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Support Children's Mental Health this Winter
I am a play therapist, a primary school teacher and a parent. This blog post has been written based on my experiences in each of these roles.
The lead up to winter break is often a big time of change in school. Decorations go up, rehearsals happen, shows are watched, and the usual timetable is subject to change.
Changes can be unsettling; they can make the ground feel insecure under our feet. Changes out of our control can make us feel like we are being ‘done to’. When we feel ‘done to’, we can hold on tight to things that make us feel safe. We might see children becoming upset when the day's snack isn’t what they expected, or when a game with their friends isn’t going the way they want. When children are struggling to cope they often exhibit behaviour changes, these behaviours are a call for help. A request for our understanding and empathy. Ask yourself what is beneath the behaviour:
Separate the child from the problem.
The problem is the problem, not the person.
The child is not their behaviour.
When a child is experiencing big emotions and cannot regulate, the adults around them need to share their calm. I went on a teaching course where ‘cold prickly feelings’ and ‘warm fuzzy feelings’ were discussed. When you get close to someone surrounded by ‘cold prickly feelings’, and focus on their feelings, it is easy to feel the cold and feel the prickles and become cold and prickly yourself. If you can separate the child from the feelings and share your ‘warm fuzzy feelings’ with them you can calm them.
Meet their turbulence with your calm.
Whatever your role, try to see the child, not their emotion and not their behaviour. Really see the child. When you can see the child it is easier to empathise with them. It is easier to stay regulated despite the emotions flying around you.
There is an excellent RSA Animate by Brené Brown where she explains the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathising with a child is not fixing the problem, it is not taking away their pain, it is not punishing them for reacting ‘badly’ to something. It is hearing and acknowledging the hurt and when the child is more regulated, enlisting their help to find a solution to the problem.
Just as you try to separate a child's emotions and behaviour from them, try to do the same with yourself. You may feel embarrassed, angry or disappointed by their behaviour. Own those feelings as your own and deal with them later.
(and yes that includes your pain)
As this very calendar year comes to an end, give yourselves a break and remember everyone is exhausted. We are all managing our expectations surrounding Christmas and the things we don't have control of.
We all need connections and starting with the children in our class and our own children is an important place to begin.
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